A year in the life of a miserable BITCH... a.k.a ME!

A year in the life of a miserable BITCH... a.k.a ME!

A year in the life of a miserable BITCH! a.k.a ME!

In case you hadn’t noticed it’s the new year... everyone is making resolutions and diet plans, relentlessly moaning about being skint blah blah blah! (Yes, I’m one of them too, I’m just saying)
So how many fads or ‘celebrations’ are we gonna be subjected to in the next 12 months? You know I’m about to moan so you may as well just dive in and have a read… I mean no harm; I just need to let off steam every now and then.
 

JANUARY

 I believe its already started with VEGANuary. I get it, you don’t want the animals to die, its inhumane, your life is so much more fucking fruitful now that you are toxin and murder free BUT its probably also the reason January feels so fucking long!! Give it a rest, I don’t need a 45-minute lecture while I am stuffing my face with an egg mc muffin… I’m sure Kevin the Fucking Carrot and family aren’t too thrilled at being munched with some humus either, don’t see anyone defending them!
 

FEBRUARY

The month where everyone races to be in love and share their special moments (whether real or staged) with the world, just to ‘prove’ that their love is greater than the next persons.
If you can’t tell your lover, husband, wife, gender fluid, non-specific, doesn’t want to identify as human, mate 'Bobella,' that you love them on any given day… maybe it just isn’t love.
Your love may not be the same as someone else’s and if I want to sit alone in my pyjamas and eat straight from the ice-cream tub on Valentine’s day, I fucking well will!
 
On another irritating note… pancakes can piss off too!
 

MARCH

I’ll leave this one be… Mother’s Day is fast approaching and I quite fancy breakfast in bed!
 

APRIL

It’s 4 whole months away and already I am sick of it! It’s an explosion of Malteaster bunnies, Crème Eggs and the totally unnecessary, overly large Kinder Egg that still has the worlds most pointless piece of plastic crap in the middle! I wouldn’t mind so much but the bin men haven’t even managed to clear away from Christmas yet… give us a bloody break!
Let’s not forget having to fight your way through the shop to get to ‘5 a day’ they recommend you eat. I’ll hold my hands up… ive been stood in the queue with my honourable dieting intentions, basket full of fruit and veg and walked out with an Easter egg in mid Jan – everyone needs a treat, right? Seriously it’s like torture!
 

MAY

Oh, my fucking god! I have just found my PERFECT month; it was literally made for me. To think if I wasn’t such a moany old bint, I would never have found it! MAY is MASTURBATION MONTH – I am sooooo down for that! Haven’t seen many of those cards in the shops though, have you? “Have a wanktastic week” “Cumming Together” (party invite) seriously, they could make a killing! Top tip in preparation for this… Vicky’s Naughty Secret make Wanky Wipes, Cum Towels/cloths and the like, she never fails to ‘raise a smile; either.
 

JUNE

Festival season will hit us about now… I am the original ‘Party Pooper’ though and won’t be attending. I just don’t see the appeal personally, I have no desire to camp in a field full of shit, not wash properly for days on end and exist on a diet of leftover alcohol and stale crisps. This set of circumstances is only made worse by the fact that I can pretty much watch it all from the comfort of my own home, without a 2 hour queue to squat over a ‘Portaloo’ that has seen more action in one weekend than I have a in a lifetime.
 

And just like that...

 
 6 months has flown by in a flash and we are onto the Christmas countdown… I know, I wish I was joking too.
So, if you enjoyed my little rant and are hoping I’ll do the next 6 months. You’re in luck… they’ll be available for your reading pleasure tomorrow!

If you would like to read more of my musings, you can find them here

 Don't forget, you can follow us on PinterestInstagram and Twitter too

 By Trina Leah ©

4 comments

  • love it xx

    toni foskett
  • OMFG! Trina,
    I have tears running right down my face and i think my legs too :)
    You say it as it is girl, and i love you for that.. if only others could be so honest.
    Can’t wait to ready more of your stuff. xxx
    Keep going Trina, cos in the famous words “I’m Lovin’ It”

    Vicky Lawrence
  • Such a great read, blooming brilliant! X

    Cara
  • Bloody brilliant
    Can we just add my kids days are March may and August…. so 2 of those months added pressure lol
    Fabulously funny read xx

    Annie

Leave a comment