Out in the Cold

Have you been down and out with only one place left to turn? Well so had he and now that door had been slammed in his face.

Found not breathing, will he make it and will she forgive herself?

 

now let's begin...

The cold had seeped in through the cracked pane in the grubby little window of my room, my breath lingered in the air as I gingerly stepped over the rubbish strewn floor. The dirty orange glow of the streetlight was just enough, so I could pick my way quietly through the remnants of the evening. I didn’t want to wake him; he’d not been asleep long. His huddled body was finally still under the covers, the wracking sobs had silenced themselves and his breathing had shallowed. His dreams would comfort him, for now.

I took the blanket from the back of the armchair and the smoking box from the window ledge. The shaking had taken hold of me now, his pain licked at my sides, strangling my lungs as I fought for breath.  He hadn’t physically hurt me, even his words weren’t unkind, but the depth of his torment tortured me.

I lifted the lid of the old wooden box, tobacco, weed, grinder… no papers. A whimper left my lips as I searched my jacket pockets from last night. If I didn’t smoke soon, the shaking would be unbearable, and I’d be no use to anyone. As I stretched out for my handbag the box toppled from my lap, it hit the ground, and the still of the night magnified it’s sound. The huddled mass of covers flew from the bed, thrashing about for something to grab, a weapon perhaps to fend off the ‘intruder.’

“Calm down, it’s just me, it’s just ME” – I soothed. He was like a rabbit caught in the headlights, if his face wasn’t such a picture of heart break, it would’ve made me laugh. All jumbled up, tripping over his own feet… I stood gingerly and moved towards him. I reached out to him, but he cowered away, still not quite realising his surroundings, he was nothing short of terrified.

His eyes flicked to my face as if noticing me for the first time. I must’ve looked as bad as he felt as instantly, he located the box, settled me back in my chair and wordlessly rolled a joint. He concentrated on the little cardboard roach, a neat line of tobacco and just a dusting of the ‘good stuff’. He knew me well enough to know that I didn’t like to feel stoned, I just needed enough to still, my frantic limbs.

I watched the tip of his tongue lightly flick along the paper. He had formed a perfect cone and a small smile played on his lips. “Least I can do something right” he sighed. He passed me the joint and helped me light it… “Why did you let me in tonight?” his words were barely above a whisper, full of doubt and mistrust. I took a deep drag on my smoke and considered him for a second. “Because I was afraid” I said.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, I just wanted to talk, I just…” his words rushed out, desperate to re-assure me that I was in no danger. “That’s not what I meant” I cut him off “I wasn’t afraid of you, I was afraid that if I let you go, you’d do something stupid” My words were soft but raw with emotion. I had spent the last few months watching him lose his battle with life. He’d lost his job, his girlfriend and now the sofa he’d been surfing for the last few nights had been snatched away too. He was at the end of the line.

His eyes were wide in his pale face, he looked as if all the air had left his body. His chewed fingers were twisting themselves into knots. Then I noticed it…. a tiny, neat little parcel, it looked like a lottery ticket, folded to about the size of a postage stamp. It had clearly been opened and refolded a few times, he followed my gaze and he reached down to snatch it up. “It’s not what you think” he blurted. “It’s exactly what I think, it always is” contempt oozed from my voice.

Gone was the frail woman of 5 minutes ago, the weed was taking affect and the anger was overwhelming me. “You’re such a hypocrite he spat. “Least I can admit what I do!” I roared. We were both breathing hard! I was livid, I’d just spent the last few hours telling him that I’d be there for him and that I believed him, to have it almost waved in my face! “I haven’t taken any, I swear, Please, just listen to me” he pleaded. “HA! “Please just listen” – I mimicked “I’m done listening to you, you’re full of shit” I screamed. He hesitated for a second, threw the wrap on the bed and grabbed his bag. “A Class Arsehole, as ALWAYS!” I bellowed, as the door slammed shut behind him.  

I heard the door of the main building thud, as it echoed up through the stairwell. I watched from my window as he stormed up the street. I checked my phone for the time it was 4am, if the weather forecast was right, we’d be expecting snow within the hour. He was going to freeze.

 I tapped out the text and pressed send. ‘BEEP BEEP’ It was coming from the hallway. I raced across the room and wrenched open the door. There was nobody there, just his bag… with all his things. I up ended its contents, his phone flashed on the ground with the message I had sent, 2 jumpers that seemed to have had holes cut into them. A pair of trainers with the laces cut and several pill bottles. You name it, he had it and every last one, was empty.

The first sting of tears was burning behind my eyes, my heart raced as if it were going to burst from my chest. My legs were weak from the day as it was and right now, they were threatening to give way altogether. I pulled on a jumper and shoes, grabbed my keys and half ran, half fell down the stairs into the road below. I screamed his name into the night, over and over again as I searched, but I knew that if he didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be. The police weren’t an option, the last time I had done that, he ended up with a 2year suspended sentence for assaulting the copper trying to help him. If he, did it again, he wouldn’t be so lucky to stay on the outside!

As the morning crept in around me, my shake had returned and my steps were getting smaller, I was beaten. As I rounded the corner at the top of my street, I saw the 2 cars first, then the 3 officers. “Call an ambulance, I don’t think he’s breathing”…

To find out what happens next, join me for Part 2

If you would like to read more of my musings, you can find them here

 Don't forget, you can follow us on Instagram and Facebook too

 By Trina Leah ©