Out in the Cold - Part Four

 I knew if I didn’t answer him I was going to pay for it but still I lay there silently, unmoving.

 I watched his eyes widen and contract with every vile slur he screamed at me. “He was seen, I know he was here. Now TELL ME WHERE HE IS!” He was on his feet now, and I knew what was coming. He drew back his leg and kicked it into me. His sturdy, sludge covered boots narrowly missed my face and connected with my shoulder. The pain shot through me, slicing into my reality, I threw up where I lay. “Filthy bitch, look at this fucking mess you’ve made” He reached down for a hand full of my hair and smeared my face into my own vomit. “That’s right, LICK IT CLEAN”.

My phone buzzed on the table, lighting up like a beacon, it was enough to take his attention and suspend his assault. As much as I was grateful for this small reprieve, nothing good could come of him reading those messages. I held my breath waiting for the inevitable.  I dragged myself into a sitting position, “Kevin, please, I don’t know where he’s gone. I’m sorry but he really is try….” I didn’t get to the end of my sentence before his tightly clenched fist, ploughed into the side of my skull, the room swam in and out of focus.  He straddled me, pinning my arms beneath his knees. I could feel his weight cutting off the circulation to my hands as I tried to struggle free. He struck me again, the sting of his fingers as they hit my tear-stained cheeks, made me gasp for air. “I like it when you struggle” he growled. He readjusted himself, strong enough to hold both of my hands in just one of his. He savoured the fear in my eyes, the more I struggled the more he seemed to enjoy it.  He clawed at my clothes, in his inebriated state finesse wasn’t high on his agenda. He tore my knickers from me and buried his face between my thighs and inhaled. “Gotta check no one else has been here whilst I’ve been gone” he slurred. I tried to clamp my legs together, but it was no use. I trained my eyes on a spider idly making its web in the corner of the room and accepted the fate he believed, I so badly deserved.

After having his ‘fill’ he got to his feet, “Clean this dump up, I’m going out”. He had typed something into his phone screen and was waiting for it to tell him what he wanted. He threw my phone onto the armchair “He won’t get away from me this time” he muttered as he left the flat. When I was sure he'd gone, I rearranged my clothes and gingerly got to my feet. I needed to know what was on the phone and what Kevin was planning. As unpredictable as he tended to be, his actions were bound to be savage in the state he was in. I can handle it, I’m used to it, I’m not sure the same can be said for anyone else though.  

I picked up the phone from where he’d thrown it and scrolled through my messages. He’d only had to open one, from Jake - I’ve gone to Shannon’s house, I’m ok. and then he’d left an address for me.  

Kevin was wrong, I hadn’t seen Jake earlier, I’d been at the Rent Office making more excuses for the arrears we were in. We earned enough money between us but with having to bail Jake out over the last few months and Kevin’s drinking habit, I was drowning in debt. Betty next door said I had only missed him by ten minutes, she'd always been the soft one in the block, no matter what my Son did, he could do no wrong in her eyes. She didn’t have any family of her own and she despaired at what she knew we were suffering at Kevin’s hands. She’d handed me a small piece of paper, a note from my boy.

As she hugged me goodbye, she whispered, “He’s not a bad boy Lizzie, he’s trying so hard”. I nodded my silent agreement, alone with my thoughts once again.

None of that mattered right now though, I tried to call Jake to warn him but there was no answer. This is all my fault, Kevin’s right, if I just listened to him, I wouldn’t get everything so wrong. The overwhelming feeling of misery washed over me, tiny icicles of fear flooded my chest, my husband against my son… the impossible choice.

I ached to the bone for those days in the beginning, where only Kevin could settle Jake to sleep or how Jakes toothy grin was reserved especially for his Daddy. The days when Kevin was the Hero and Jake was in awe. I don’t remember when it changed, I just remember it being my fault.

I rummaged through my handbag to find my make-up, Kevin was pretty good at avoiding my face when he hit me but, every so often a stray fist or piece of furniture would catch me off guard. He didn’t mean it, if I paid more attention it wouldn’t get to this stage. I did my best to make myself look presentable, no matter the time he returned, it wouldn’t sit well with him if I didn’t have a full face on. As I sat contemplating the sad and lonely reflection in the mirror, my phone broke into my thoughts with it’s shrill ring…. Finally, it was Jake calling me back.

“Jake, it’s been months. Oh, my boy I’ve missed you” the words rushed out of me, more from relief than anything else. My happiness didn’t last, a woman’s voice cut across mine, “Lizzie, it’s not Jake, It’s Shannon. Jake’s hurt and he’s in hospital.” Her voice was shaking. “What happened Shannon, talk to me” I knew I was starting to shout, but I couldn’t help it, what if Kevin had gone too far this time?  “I don’t really know. We argued and he left, I went to look for him. When I got back, the Police were with him, and he wasn’t breathing…” she was crying now and her tears were making her difficult to understand,

“Where are you darling” I tried to calm her a little and soften my voice. “I’m… I’m at home. They won’t let me be with him" She sobbed. Despite myself I couldn’t help thinking if there was more to Shannon and Jake's relationship than I had given credit., of all the places he could’ve gone.. why to her?

“Calm yourself down, I’ll pick you up in 20 minutes. Then you can explain what he was doing with you in the first place” I paused for a second and then dropped my voice to a whisper, I knew I was alone but the years of being sure I wasn’t overheard and then being beaten for my ‘crime’ later, had made me overly paranoid. “Don’t tell anyone we’ve spoken; I’ll see you soon” I knew I sounded pathetic, but I couldn’t worry about that now. My boy needed me and I had to find Kevin before the police did or worse, before Kevin realised I was gone….

Where did Kevin go when he left Lizzie? Was he responsible for what happened to his Son? Find out in PART 5

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 By Trina Leah ©