The A to Z of things that P*SS ME OFF!!! Part 1

Monday has arrived and lets face it, something is bound not to go to plan. I can already guess how my week will go. So I've put together just a few of the inevitable annoyances, that will occur for me this week.

 

We all have those little ‘irks’ in our lives, the small things that irritate you beyond belief, that you can’t really change.

For instance, has your child ever done something that was so infuriatingly naughty that you consider choking the living shit out of them... A bit like Homer does to Bart on The Simpsons.

My youngest does this regularly, mind you so does my partner, there’s nothing as bad as a fully grown man-child that just doesn’t listen. It’s even worse when you put on your best ‘mum voice’ and you can’t do it full justice, cos you remember doing the exact same thing at some point in your life!!

 

So here it begins… my 26 pet hates, courtesy of my family and me!

 

It’s better out than in, they say but that definitely is NOT the case in this house.

Back in the days when it was just us girls… I could handle the odd bottom burp, even the eye watering variety, But now the house is up to 5 members and the boys are catching up the girls in numbers, These days when i brave it out of bedroom, full hazard gear, a gas mask and mag light are needed, just to get through the brown mist that lingers in the hallway – no amount of scented candles, wax melts or the like is ever going to disguise it. In short its just rank! Bottom etiquette should be a thing!

 

 

We all do it, we can’t help ourselves. Nobody is going to tell me what’s what without a sarcastic remark or a quippy one liner, it’s just me! I worked 36 years to be able to JUST get away with it, so how has my 12 year old turned into the queen of sarcasm with such ease and finesse  - sometimes the sheer skill in her reply makes we want to ground her for several months – mainly because I don’t have a response!

As this is technically my fault, do I have the right to moan?

 

I have a feeling I’ve mentioned this before… why is it necessary to eat a box of cereal a day! Is it really so difficult to envisage a sandwich, a tin of soup, a packet of crackers even. It isn’t hard! It’s not even just one kind of cereal, its 3 or 4 in the same sodding bowl. I don’t think I’d mind so much if they didn’t leave the bloody Morrisons own, Weetabix rip off to weld itself to the side of the bowl then dump it on the side board so I need a fucking pneumatic drill to get the shit off! I don’t even eat it, how is that fair?

 

How can you not fucking know? You just spent the last 8 hours there! If you don’t wanna tell me, that’s cool, quite frankly after spending the day arguing with Universal credit, whilst trying to make the flat resemble something other than Beirut, just say so! As I’ve feigned interest enough to ask you, you could at least pretend to care enough to give me a half decent answer!

 

 

I’m not talking nationality, it’s the language itself that bothers me. I love the way that language evolves, unique colloquialisms and the quirkiness of a different dialect, but have you tried to talk to a teenager these days? They have a whole new set of rules for words, it’s a unique language of its own. I don’t remember the last time I managed to hold a conversation with one of them, without the excessive use of ‘LIKE’ between every other word. What makes me even more infuriated is the utter indignant look on their faces, that you have failed to grasp the gist of the point. Let me tell you something, oh Sproglet of mine... if you didn’t feel the need to add 56543 unnecessary ‘likes’ we might get there sometime before CHRISTMAS!

 

This one isn’t courtesy of the kids for a change, this is exclusively for AJ! I love him dearly, I truly do but, that love runs out rather rapidly at 4am when I am still desperately trying to get some shut eye. If he isn’t flailing his arms about, telling himself a joke in his dreams or trying to cycle the Tour De bastard France… he is snoring so unbelievably loudly, he manages at least a 7 on the Richter scale.

I swear to god, I have heard war-zones quieter and less traumatic!

 

Teenagers are in a league of their own. If they aren’t watching or eating something gross, they are generally smelling pretty rank too. After 24 hours of not having a bath, I generally want to dive headfirst in to a VAT of bleach, to wash away the days grime. So why is it I have been known to have to

 literally pick one of my brats up and dunk them fully clothed into the tub. What gets my goat even more is, they clearly enjoy the hot, soapy suds cos I can’t use the bog for the next two hours while the prune up…. SERIOUSLY PISSES ME OFF!!