The Missing List!
The Missing List!
I used to live a simple life. I could wake in a morning, grab a brew and a slice of toast, flick the radio on and dance about as I got dressed for work.
I could come and go as I pleased, and ALL my money was mine…. Then I had kids!
So, here are just a few things I truly miss and what they have now been replaced with!
The Toothpaste – How I long for my once, 'gloop free' life!
We’ve tried them all. Flip caps, screw tops, them really smart, standy-up ones that you push the top and a bit slithers out.
It doesn’t matter which one I buy, it still finds its way onto the sink, taps, plug hole…. The little glass that we stand the toothbrushes up in, even the bloody toilet seat.
Seriously it’s like they get bored in the middle of brushing their pearly whites and start painting the sodding walls with it.
The Family Pet – I wouldn’t swap him. Them… maybe!
They swear blind that they will look after it, they promise to always be there for it, love it, play with it etc. That is until it takes a huge steaming dump and they have to pick it up.
You have never seen anyone, out act these teens. “the dog’s done a whoopsie you say? Well I just don’t believe it, I didn’t see a thing”
All of a sudden they are terribly upper class and their dog can’t possibly be so disgusting as to defecate!
Silly me, I must be mistaken. KIDS!
The Biscuit Barrell – Just one is all I ask.
I figured I should start small, for those of you with toddlers… it’s all heading your way.
I know its petty and perhaps at the ripe old age of 36, I should learn how to share but, I am sick to death of bounding excitedly to the cupboard to be presented with mere crumbs!
I’ve even started buying biscuits that I am certain they don’t like and STILL there is none left.
I just want a fucking cookie, is it too much to ask?
The TV Remote – since when did it live under the sofa?
It’s rare that I get full control of the TV as it is, when I do get the odd hour here and there, I first have to mount a full ‘search and rescue’ mission to find the tv remote. Perhaps laziness plays a part, I mean I could just walk over the telly and do it from there. It’s not an issue until the adverts blare out at twice the volume and I shit my pants!
Gone are the days that it lived on the coffee table with 1 mug of tea, a FULL barrel of biscuits!
Knowing who's fault it is - "it wasn't me"
Before i had children, if I ran out of milk - I had drunk the last of it!
If my laundry got dyed pink - it was me who left the red sock in the washing machine!
If there' was a kitchen full of dishes - it was me who was too sodding Lazy to do them. I always knew who to blame...
Since having the 3 little slobs that currently reside in my house, I never can tell who's mess is who! They will all bat their lashes and look at me with those; sorrowful, puppy dog eyes and i;m meant to somehow, forget that I now have to clean an entire house, before Nanny comes to visit and pulls a ;Kim and Aggy' on my arse!
There are many more to add to the list, but as i sit here and type i can see the mess of the living room forming before my eyes. If i don't get a handle on it soon, i'll be knee deep in teenage slovenliness with no idea of how to escape.
